Espresso!

                            Espresso
    
Sometimes its great like espresso, other times it's like we're my favorite dress, two sizes too small. (I never blame myself.... it has to be the dress!).......yessss... him and I, we seem so extreme.  One day we're believers, the next day incapable of imagining forever.
I guess I just don't always feel so willing: willing to be vulnerable again and again, willing to be misunderstood, willing to share myself. I mean there's some stuff involved in that process which makes me feel too, I don't know, feminine (I think of that as a bad thing). Perhaps it will feel too common, or I'll suddenly be too known to him, maybe disposable? Maybe, I will become somehow definable, and words like love or sexy will suddenly be pinpointable. Or,  he might look at me with that blank stare again and change the subject, pushing the me to be known aside. This isn't all the time, sometimes I feel like he's actually listening, still intrigued by me, still so mine. Mine as in we're that kind of couple. You know the one in that scene that has the really pretty lady crossing her legs under a fancy little dinner table. She's all dressed up and glowing. She's waiting for "him" to show up. And while she is waiting, she sits there, confident and free. She can't even contain her beauty or their love, it just pours out of her in some mysterious language that only "he" knows. You know he knows.  And then he walks in and spots her, approaches the table, takes his hat off and sits- and you know he stays. I feel like that scene sometimes. Those moments keep me hanging on. Those moments we are too close to make sense of it all  in words.  I admit,  I know I struggle with my own weaknesses. Are these insecurities I have surfacing around him,  keeping my freeness and confidence trapped? Is there actually a connection between us that can't be replaced?  But, what if I am too willing. Too willing to hold onto flaws, too willing to see things as letdowns. Too willing to cling onto a pathetic script of "so called love" instead of create our own. That's probably why I haven't heard him call me fun lately. I actually want to show my brokenness and flaws because its a more accurate me, a more loveable me. What a ugly, heavy cycle that keeps repeating itself, boldly. I sigh long, perhaps long enough. His work day is almost over, we actually have a babysitter for a few hours this evening, and as far as "us" goes, well today we're espresso.

  We've all seen this "I" before. Perhaps on the subway, lonely and confused, maybe across from us at the coffee shop, even behind our own dinner table. We've all seen "I"s like this in all kinds of places, all kinds of social circles. In so many conversations, I've heard this "I" come out.  I wrote this Espresso blog because I have a passion for relationships. To me, they are the most important thing in the world. With society filling the minds with its nonsense babbling, and the misguidance of advice from friends or even ourselves, it's no wonder we can find ourselves flying down an emotional highway of doubts and through deep jungles of exit doors. I wrote this "I" in this blog as a relational being. Someone we can all connect with at some point, perhaps not as a whole, but maybe a thought or feeling. If you can't relate and you're enjoying your man, watch out for this kind of "I" along the way. This "I" is all around, in disguise even. This "I" is strong, can take it's self down and dissolve itself. The worst place to see this "I"-the mirror.

Below is one of my date ideas. I added it to Espresso because it is such a safe date. Safe as in, you don't have to feel really close to your partner, or be totally confident. A recent blast of negativity shouldn't keep you halted at a mindset like this "I".  I'd love to hear how your date goes, if you try this one!!!!!!!         

                                             Candle Light Drive
For me it was a new dress, but something out of the ordinary.
I went shopping with my sister-in-laws and happened to come across an awesome dress. I turned it down demanding it didn't fit right. Truth was it did. I think I was unprepared to look that good right then. I bought it, wore it and love it still.  We had a '93 dodge that still to this day, has been my favorite ride. You could look at it and think we were poor, or you could look at it and think we were fun. We were both. My sister in law and I emptied out his work truck, cleaned it in a record 10 minutes or so, and brought out 5 artsy pillows from my couch, a stash of chocolates I found in the pantry, and a few candles around the house. Last minute, I grabbed a little pottery bowl so the candles could sit in there. I piled in my hands a few drinks for the night, and of course the guitar.  I drove him to an awesome little building we had always wanted to buy for our business. Knowing we probably would never buy it, we felt really excited parking at the building and just letting loose. I remember dancing on the truck while he played and sang away on the guitar. The ride home was well, candlelight. I hate cliches but this was not that. It was actually really amazing. We drove around in the candles' light, our truck looking like a pricey downtown lounge eating chocolate! Could it get any better. It did we drove around and around, feeling young and close..........

 and of course, I took him home!
-caryl
 
Look for this date plan near the end of my blog under Come get me! Have your own candle light drive! Enjoy your date:)